Dear Kyle Orton,
I have been hurt by other Chiefs quarterbacks before. Im not sure I’m ready to get into a relationship with you. You did take some steps yesterday that may have laid the groundwork for a relationship. Let’s take it slow; I am willing to let you put your hands down my pants if you can play that good the next two weeks.
Doug, I’m interested but let’s take it slow
Dear Kansas City Chiefs,
Once again you guys show up when you are not expected to and then vanish when you should be there. I need mood stabilizers to watch a season of Chiefs football. Let’s see if you guys can win out and finish at .500 for the season. If you play the next two games like you did yesterday it can happen.
Doug, the taking a healthy dose of Prozac in preparation for the next two weeks.
Dear Sam Hurd,
When the Bears cut you was it into zips, teeners or 8 balls. Did they get your keys? Maybe the Bears lost because they weren’t all jacked up on your product. Have fun in an Illinois Correctional Facility.
Doug, The guy that has watched enough reality shows to know not to sell drugs.
Dear Tim Tebow,
I still hate you, because you play for the Broncos. It appears the New England Patriots are the Pontius Pilot of the NFL. “For you will know my name is Tom Brady when I lay 41 points upon thee” Playoffs 3:16. Please know I will become the biggest Bills fan this week in hopes that they can do the same thing. The bad part is the Patriots defense is horrible this year and they got you.
Doug, the guy that knew when you faced the right defense you would go down.
Dear Philadelphia Eagles,
Good Morning!! Nice of you guys to show up finally this year. However the party is almost over and you missed the fun. Where were you guys week 1 through 12? At either route, if you win out you still have a chance and may save Andy Reid’s job.
Doug, the guy the picked you for the Super Bowl
Dear Joe Flacco,
What’s up with the moustache bro? I can’t tell if you were about to rock out in a band, drive off in a Camaro or commit a sex crime. The horrible thing is probably the reason that you and the Ravens got rolled on the road last night. You look like a sexual predator and Ray Lewis looked like a cold blooded killer….wait I forgot he is.
Doug, the guy currently hiding from Ray Lewis
Dear Ryan Braun,
So you failed a drug test? You claim it was due to a medication you were taking for a STD. I’m not too sure which way to go on that one. I would almost the world know I was juicing up rather than playing with a rotten bat…if you catch me drip…I mean drift. Best of luck though.
Doug, the guy that doesn’t play in dirty ballparks.
Dear KC Sports Ninja Readers,
My computer deleted my Fixing The Chiefs Part 3 article, I promise that I will get it done this week.
Doug, the guy that used the dog ate my homework excuse in school.
Dear Kansas City,
I will be performing at Stanford and Son’s on Tuesday Night and The IMPROV on Weds Night. As my Christmas gift to you I am offering free tickets to both shows. You can get them by emailing me at firstname.lastname@example.org or meeting me in front of the box office at Stanfords Tuesday Night at 7:30pm. If you want to go to the IMPROV show you can call 816.759.5233 and tell them you want to see Doug Cheatham and you are in for free.
Doug, the guy that wants you to come see him do hardcore comedy